Why Can’t I Just Sleep? Even When I Try Everything Right

A colleague of mine recently shared a story that really stuck with me. She’s working with a client — let’s call her Mira, 43, living in Israel — and I think her experience says a lot about what people get wrong about sleep.

Mira is the type of person who, on the outside, looks like she has it all together. She works, cooks, keeps her home spotless, and volunteers in her community. Her life is extremely organized — everything has a plan, a schedule, a system. She controls what she can. And she’s good at it. Really good. You’d probably look at her and think, “Wow, that’s someone who has life figured out.”

But sleep? That’s one thing she cannot control.

Mira carries a lot with her. She has longstanding resentment toward her mother, who she feels was never there for her and doesn’t seem to care. One example that still stings: after October 7 — a day that left many people shaken — her mother didn’t even check in to see how she was doing. On top of that, her teenage kids are mostly doing their own thing, leaving her disappointed and a little lonely in her day-to-day life. Some nights, she cries herself to sleep. And yet, despite all of this, she still shows up for her responsibilities. She works, she cooks, she runs her home, she volunteers. She functions. She controls everything she can. And she’s good at it.

When it comes to sleep, Mira has routines down to a science. She’s in bed by 8 p.m., lounges until around 10, then it can take her about an hour to fall asleep. She wakes around 5 or 6 a.m., stays up a bit, then drifts back off. Her goal is to sleep until 8 a.m., especially on weekends. She does everything “right,” yet her sleep isn’t perfectly obedient. And that’s the reality for so many of us. Sleep doesn’t punch a time clock. It doesn’t ask for permission. It’s not a robot — it just… does its thing.

The truth is, sleep isn’t a task you can check off or a machine you can program. Falling asleep can take time — an hour, sometimes more — and waking up after seven hours is entirely normal. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Sleep is natural, organic, and sometimes unpredictable. Mira’s life is evidence of this: she can control almost everything else, but sleep isn’t something she can force.

And here’s where it gets tricky for clients: when people come to coaching seeking sleep, it’s often because they want control. They want a magic pill, a routine that works instantly, something they can master. Hearing that sleep isn’t fully controllable can feel frustrating, even discouraging. Many people confuse acceptance with failure. But here’s the truth: two things can be true at the same time. You can be doing everything right, following routines, showing up for yourself — and still find that sleep doesn’t fully obey. Accepting this is not giving up. It’s not failure. It’s reality.

Sleep isn’t just about routines or the technical side, either. Even when habits are perfect, many people still wake up tired because the subconscious carries what hasn’t been fully processed. For Mira, resentment toward her mother, daily disappointments, and ongoing stress create tension her body and mind hold onto at night. Sleep is emotional as much as it is physical. Until these layers are addressed, even the best sleep hygiene can only do so much.

What’s fascinating about Mira’s story is how she functions despite carrying so much. She organizes her life, manages her responsibilities, and still shows up for others. She’s controlling what she can control. And yet, sleep — something so essential — remains elusive. It’s a powerful reminder that sleep is not about control. It’s about acceptance. It’s about allowing your body and mind to do what they naturally do, without pressure, without judgment, and without confusing acceptance with failure.

Mira’s journey is a lesson for all of us. Accepting that sleep isn’t fully controllable doesn’t mean giving up on improving it. It means letting go of the need to micromanage it and trusting your body’s natural rhythms. Doing this, paired with awareness of your subconscious emotional load, is where real rest begins.

So, if you’ve been doing “everything right” and still feel exhausted, it’s not a reflection of failure or laziness. Sleep is human, not robotic. You can control your routines, your environment, even your evening habits, but your body has its own rhythm. Being highly organized, disciplined, or functional in every other area of life doesn’t make sleep obedient. Sometimes the best thing we can do is let it happen naturally, and give ourselves grace when it doesn’t.

If you’re feeling frustrated by your sleep, know that it’s not about failure. Sometimes a conversation is all it takes to help you start taking ownership of your sleep and your well-being.

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And if you want to dive deeper into why adults end up practically living in bed, check out my other blog: Why Are Insomniacs Practically Living in Bed?