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Why Your Child Won’t Settle at Bedtime (And the Small Thing I Wasn’t Doing)
I know better. And I’m still not doing it.
Lately, I’ve been getting a little lazy about putting my youngest daughter to bed. There. I said it.
We live on two floors, and the bedrooms are upstairs. My youngest has a bedtime routine. She eats supper, finishes whatever she needs to finish, takes a bath, reads, brushes her teeth. She knows what she’s supposed to do.
The problem is me.
By that point in the evening, I’m usually still downstairs. I’m cleaning up the kitchen, talking to my older kids, finishing something for work, or doing one of the approximately 400 things that somehow need my attention at the exact moment I’m ready for the day to end. So lately, I’ve found myself saying, “Okay, go upstairs. Time for bed. Good night!”
Technically, I put her to bed. Except…I didn’t.
I Started Noticing Something
She goes upstairs. She gets into bed. She’s certainly old enough to do that herself. But I started noticing that on the nights when I actually walk upstairs with her, everything feels different.
I go into her room. I make sure she has what she needs. She tells me those last few things that apparently could not have been mentioned at any other point during the previous 12 hours. I straighten something out. I say good night. And then I leave.
It takes a few minutes. But she settles differently.
And the ridiculous part? I know this. I’m a sleep coach.
I talk all the time about helping our bodies feel safe enough to let go into sleep. I teach parents about bedtime routines, nervous system regulation, associations with sleep, and why what happens before bed matters. And apparently I also need to teach myself to walk up the stairs.
Bedtime Is More Than Getting Into Bed
We tend to think of bedtime as a list of things that need to happen. Bath? Check. Teeth brushed? Check. Pajamas? Check. Book? Check. Child physically located somewhere near a mattress? Excellent. We’re done.
But bedtime is more than a checklist.
For a child, bedtime is a transition. They’re moving from an active day filled with people, noise, decisions, school, siblings, conversations and stimulation into something very different: quiet, darkness, stillness and separation. For some children, that transition is harder than we realize.
When I physically walk my daughter upstairs and finish the day with her, I’m not actually making her sleep. I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to. What I’m doing is giving her nervous system a clearer ending.
Mom is here. The day is finished. Everything is okay. Nothing else needs to happen right now.
There is something very settling about that.
A Calm Nervous System Matters at Bedtime
Sleep happens when the body is able to let go. We can have the perfect bedtime, the perfect room, the perfect pajamas and the perfect bedtime routine, but if a child’s body still feels alert, unsure, wound up or like something is unfinished, sleep can be difficult.
That doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. Sometimes their nervous system simply hasn’t gotten the message yet that the day is over. And our presence can be part of sending that message.
Not by lying next to them for two hours. Not by answering 47 requests for water. Not by negotiating whether the closet door should be open exactly three inches. And not by creating a situation where a child believes they cannot sleep unless Mom or Dad is there.
There’s a difference between helping a child feel safe and settled at bedtime and becoming the thing they need in order to fall asleep. That distinction matters.
This Gets Especially Easy to Forget With the Youngest
I think there’s another piece to this for me. When you have a house full of little kids, bedtime is an EVENT.
You’re upstairs anyway. Someone needs a bath. Someone can’t find pajamas. Someone wants a story. Someone else suddenly remembers that tomorrow is the day they need to bring something to school. You are very much involved in bedtime.
But then they grow up. And suddenly you have one younger child left who still needs that little bit of help ending the day. Everyone else is doing their own thing. You’re downstairs. Life has changed.
And it becomes incredibly easy to yell, “Good night! Go to bed!”
I don’t think that makes me a bad mother. I think it makes me human. But noticing it means I can do something differently.
So I’m Giving Myself a Challenge
Walk up the stairs.
That’s it. I’m not adding a complicated bedtime routine. I’m not creating another chart. I’m not turning bedtime into a 45-minute production. I’m walking up the stairs.
I’m taking those few minutes to actually put my daughter to bed and give her day an ending. Because sometimes the smallest changes at bedtime aren’t really about sleep at all. They’re about helping a child feel, I’m safe. I’m settled. My day is done. I can let go now.
And sleep has a much easier time showing up from there.
If Bedtime in Your House Has Become Exhausting...
Maybe your child keeps coming out of their room. Maybe you hear “MOM!” a bazillion times after you thought bedtime was over. Maybe you have to lie next to your child every single night until they fall asleep, and you’re afraid to move because the second you do, their eyes open.
Maybe you finally get into your own bed, only to turn over at 3 a.m. and discover that somehow there is now another person sleeping next to you. Or maybe bedtime has simply become something everyone in your house dreads.
It doesn’t have to stay that way.
Sometimes we need to look beyond How do I get my child to stay in bed? and understand what is actually happening underneath the behavior. What does your child need at bedtime? What have they learned they need in order to fall asleep? Where can we give them more safety and connection, and where do we need to help them develop more independence?
That’s exactly what we can talk about in a complimentary clarity call.Schedule a Free Sleep Consultation No judgment. No rigid bedtime program. We’ll look at what is actually happening in your house and what might need to change so that bedtime can become bedtime again.
Because you should be able to say good night, and eventually have it actually mean good night.
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