Are Your Own Sleep Rules Keeping You Awake? How Rigidity Can Fuel Insomnia

I think sometimes the very rules we follow to sleep better…keep us awake.

I saw it clearly today in session number eight with a client who’s been struggling with insomnia for two years. She had tried CBTI multiple times—different programs, different rounds—but despite all the effort, she was still trapped. Not trapped by lack of knowledge or lack of trying, but trapped by rigid thinking.

Even though she had already made progress over our sessions—more flexibility in her thoughts, calmer emotional responses, and even better sleep—a simple suggestion triggered fear.

It wasn’t complicated.

It wasn’t revolutionary.

It wasn’t even a requirement.

I suggested she try a grounding mat.

Maybe 20 minutes a day.

Not every day.

Just enough to see if it could help calm her nervous system.

Her response? “No way. I can’t do this. I can’t rely on something. What happens if it works? I’ll have to do it every day. I won’t have time.”

Even after weeks of progress, her mind couldn’t entertain a middle ground. She couldn’t imagine using it sometimes, only when she needed it.

The idea of experimenting with a tool—even one that might help—felt terrifying. She was frozen by fear of dependence.

This moment was a stark reminder of something I see often with insomnia clients:

Rigid thinking doesn’t just make sleep difficult—it can make solutions feel impossible.

CBTI is one of the most effective programs for insomnia. It’s structured, evidence-based, and has helped countless people regain rest. But here’s the catch: it teaches rules. And rules, by nature, can become rigid.

When we internalize sleep rules too strictly—“I must not nap, I must get out of bed exactly at this time, I must not use any tools outside the plan”—our minds stop asking, “Is this helping me? Can I use this in a way that works for me?”

Rigid thinking becomes its own barrier. Suddenly, even a helpful tool can feel threatening. Instead of curiosity or experimentation, fear and anxiety take over. The solution—the grounding mat, a new relaxation strategy, even something as simple as mindful breathing—feels like a trap.

It’s almost as if we’ve created a set of rules so strict that breaking them—even slightly—would be catastrophic. There’s a “fear of God” in the thinking: if I don’t follow the rules perfectly, I will suffer insomnia forever. And while the rules themselves are designed to help, when followed rigidly, they create the very problem they were meant to solve.

Here’s the truth: sleep is personal.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution. What works for one night may not work for the next. What works for one person may not work for another. And the best sleep solutions come from a combination of knowledge and flexibility—the ability to think for yourself, to experiment, and to adjust based on what your body and mind actually need.

The good news?

Flexibility can be learned. You can train your mind to approach solutions with curiosity and interest instead of fear. Sometimes we do that through talking to your subconscious mind, or through guided reflection on what truly helps you feel calm.

Over time, our confidence builds. We trust the process. We believe in ourselves more. And then we are able to be open and to look at things differently. You realize you can use tools without becoming dependent. You can follow rules without letting them control you. You can sleep better not by perfection, but by openness.

So, if you’ve been struggling with insomnia, here’s a thought: what rules are you following so rigidly that they’re keeping you awake? And more importantly, are you creating your own rules—rules that may be more harmful than helpful?

Sleep isn’t about perfection. It’s about curiosity, experimentation, and flexibility. When we let go of the fear of breaking the rules—even our own—we open the door to deeper rest and lasting change.

Because here’s the paradox: sometimes, the rules themselves are what keep us awake.

If you’ve tried CBTI and feel like you’re trapped in a prison of rules… If you’ve tried CBTI and some of it helped, but you still haven’t completely overcome your insomnia… 

 Let’s talk. There may be different approaches, tools, and strategies out there that can finally get you sleeping consistently and peacefully. https://calendly.com/chevymermelstein/30min

Missed a blog?? https://www.chevymermelsteinsleepcoach.org/post/cbt-i-for-some-feels-like-a-prison