How to Help Your Child Self-Soothe at Night

Stop Bedtime Battles: Helping Kids Calm Themselves Independently

“Self-soothing.” Say it out loud. Chances are, if I say it to a mom, I’ll get a blank stare. So I ask: “Okay, but how do you actually self-soothe?”

Pause. Most of us do it without thinking — a walk, journaling, a cup of tea, even quietly scrolling on our phone. It’s not just for bedtime; it’s how we calm our nervous system whenever life feels chaotic. And yes, kids need this skill too — or bedtime becomes a nightly tug-of-war.

How Kids Naturally Self-Soothe Babies are little masters of self-soothing from day one. Even before they can talk, they find ways to calm themselves: sucking a pacifier, holding a blanket, pulling on their ear, or gently twirling their hair. These tiny behaviors aren’t random — they are early strategies to manage stress and feel secure.

As children grow, self-soothing can evolve into more complex, independent activities. A preschooler might rock in a chair, listen to soft music, or do a quiet puzzle. Older kids can journal, color, read, or build quietly with blocks. The key is that these are calming, predictable activities that the child can do on their own — without screens or constant parental attention.

By observing your child, you can pick up on the cues of how they like to self-soothe. Maybe they gravitate toward a particular blanket, music, or activity. These cues are your guide to introducing independent “wind-down time,” where the child learns to regulate their nervous system and prepare for sleep.

Case Example: Tova Meet Tova, a lively 7-year-old who absolutely loved her evening activities — stickers, music, reading, you name it. But she wanted to do everything with her parents. Her mom and dad were kind and devoted, but evenings were hijacked. They had to play, read, discuss, even include her in adult conversations — at 10 PM, she was weighing in with her opinions!

The result? Everyone was exhausted. Tova didn’t know how to self-soothe, and her parents didn’t have a moment to themselves.

Through coaching, we introduced a system. First, Tova learned to get herself ready for bed independently. Then she could choose a short, one-on-one moment with mom or dad — a little chat or quiet time — before going off to her own wind-down activity. Finally, she selected a calming, independent activity: coloring, listening to soft music, or reading quietly.

Why did this work? Because she knew the system, knew what to expect, and had clear boundaries. No more nightly negotiations, no more hijacking of parents’ evenings. Mom and dad were back in charge, and Tova was gaining independence — a life-long skill that extends far beyond bedtime.

The Reading-Time Myth Many parents then ask: “So when should I read to my kids? Isn’t story time always before bed?”

We all carry this fantasy in our heads: the kids are freshly showered, smelling like lotion and shampoo, in matching pajamas, sitting quietly together, listening to the same book. Mom closes the book, they all say, “Thank you, Mommy,” and skip off to bed.

Reality check: that almost never happens.

Reading together is wonderful, but it has to work for you. If bedtime is chaotic, or you have a million other things to do, forcing storytime at that moment will only add stress. The truth is, kids don’t really care if storytime happens at 7:30 PM in bed, 5:00 PM after school, or even during supper. What they crave most is your undivided attention, even if it’s just a few minutes.

So yes — read, connect, hug, chat — but do it on your terms. Then step back and let your child practice self-soothing independently.

Parents Are in Charge Remember, parents — you are still part of the bedtime connection, but you’re also in charge of the system. Bedtime is your responsibility, not your child’s. Only when you’ve figured out what works for your household and are consistent night after night will bedtime truly become easier. Kids thrive on routine and consistency, and when they know what to expect, the evenings run smoothly. Success isn’t about negotiating or bribing; it’s about clear structure, calm leadership, and consistency.

For context and a refresher, check out yesterday’s post in this series: Back to School: Bedtime Reset Your Kids’ Routine.

Wrap-Up / Call-to-Action Here’s your checklist for tonight:

• Observe how you self-soothe.

• Observe how your child already self-soothes.

• Introduce one independent, calming activity into your child’s evening.

• Keep your connection moments intentional — storytime, chats, or snuggles — but don’t let it hijack the routine.

  
  

Teaching your kids to self-soothe is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. It builds independence, confidence, and calm nights for everyone.

Tomorrow, we’ll dive into what wind-down time looks like for children of different ages, how to structure it, how to support them in becoming fully independent sleepers, and what to do when you’ve created a system but it’s still not working.

If you’d like help building a personalized blueprint for your child’s bedtime routine, you can schedule a session with me here: https://calendly.com/chevymermelstein/30min.

And if you missed my last post about helping children sleep when parenting books and doctors couldn’t help, check it out here: Brenda’s Sleep Story.