The Bedtime Mistake Most Parents Don't Know They're Making

My daughter said, 'No, I'm not coming in.''

It was a warm summer evening. The kids were outside playing, the sun was still up, and the neighborhood was buzzing with energy.

If bedtime has become a nightly battle in your home, you're not alone. And if you're exhausted from arguing, negotiating, bribing, or feeling like bedtime takes longer than a Broadway production, let's talk. Sometimes a few simple shifts can make a world of difference. https://calendly.com/chevymermelstein/30min

It was getting close to bedtime, and I called my daughter inside.

"No, I'm not coming in."

As a parent, I had a choice. I could turn it into a battle, or I could turn it into a conversation.

I chose the conversation.

"Okay," I said. "What time do you think makes sense for you to come in? I understand it's warm outside. Your friends are here. You're having fun. But you still need to shower and get ready for bed."

She thought about it.

"Nine o'clock."

Now nine o'clock was technically later than her usual bedtime. Part of me wanted to say no immediately.

Instead, I said something different.

"Okay. Let's try it. If you can still wake up in the morning feeling good, then maybe nine o'clock works for you."

Her face lit up.

When nine o'clock arrived, something interesting happened. There was no fight. No arguing. No dragging her inside. She came in willingly because she had helped create the plan. The next morning she woke up proud of herself. She hadn't simply followed a rule. She had taken ownership of a decision.

And it reminded me of something I see all the time as a sleep coach.

Many parents are trying to force sleep instead of helping their children understand it.

The Bedtime Mistake I See Over and Over

One of the most common mistakes parents make is putting their children to bed too early.

I know that sounds strange coming from a sleep coach.

After all, aren't kids supposed to go to bed early?

Sometimes.

But not always.

What often happens is that families have multiple children, and everyone gets sent to bed at the same time. The three-year-old goes to bed. The four-year-old goes to bed.

The ten-year-old goes to bed. Maybe even the twelve-year-old goes to bed.

One bedtime for everyone.

It's simple. It's convenient. And it's often completely wrong.

Every child has different sleep needs.

A three-year-old typically needs more sleep than a ten-year-old. A ten-year-old doesn't necessarily need the same amount of sleep as a younger sibling. Even two children of the same age can have different sleep requirements.

I've worked with many families where bedtime became a nightly struggle, not because the child was difficult, stubborn, or defiant, but because the child simply wasn't tired yet.

Think about it for a moment.

As adults, we don't always feel sleepy at exactly the same time every night. Some nights we're exhausted. Other nights we're wide awake. Yet somehow we expect our children to operate like robots and instantly fall asleep because the clock says it's bedtime.

It doesn't work that way.

When we assume that every child should be asleep at the same time, we often create unnecessary struggles. The child isn't resisting because they're stubborn. They're resisting because they simply aren't ready for sleep.

We Can't Force Sleep

This is one of the most important lessons I teach parents.

You can force a child into bed.

You cannot force them to sleep.

Sleep happens when the brain and body are ready.

When children are put to bed before they're genuinely sleepy, several things can happen. They toss and turn. They ask for water. They need one more hug. They suddenly remember something very important they forgot to tell you. They become silly. They become frustrated.

Parents often interpret this as misbehavior.

Many times it's actually a child whose body isn't ready for sleep yet.

The more pressure we add, the more frustrated everyone becomes. The child feels misunderstood. The parent feels defeated. And bedtime becomes something everyone dreads.

Teach Kids to Recognize Sleep Signals

Instead of focusing only on the clock, I encourage parents to help children learn what tired actually feels like.

Most children have never been taught this.

Ask questions such as:

What happens in your body when you're getting sleepy?

Do your eyes feel heavy?

Do you start yawning?"

Do you find it harder to focus?

Do you feel calmer or slower?

These conversations help children build awareness. The goal isn't for children to run the bedtime schedule. The goal is for them to learn to recognize the signals their bodies are sending.

That skill will serve them for the rest of their lives.

Imagine how different bedtime becomes when a child can say, "I think I'm getting tired," instead of waiting for an adult to tell them how they feel.

Involvement Creates Buy-In

One reason my daughter came inside so easily that night was because she felt included.

She wasn't being managed.

She was being consulted.

That doesn't mean she got unlimited freedom. It doesn't mean she got to stay outside until midnight. It simply means she had a voice.

Children often surprise us with how reasonable they can be when we give them the opportunity.

When they're part of the discussion, they develop ownership. And ownership creates cooperation.

This doesn't mean children make all the rules. Parents are still the parents. Boundaries still matter. But involving children in age-appropriate conversations can transform bedtime from a nightly battle into a collaborative process.

The funny thing is that once children feel heard, they often become far more willing to listen.

The Same Lesson Applies to Adults

Interestingly, adults make a similar mistake with themselves.

Many people decide that bedtime is a specific hour on the clock regardless of how they actually feel. They're exhausted at 9:00 one night and wide awake at 9:00 the next, yet they expect sleep to happen the same way every time.

I wrote about this idea in a previous blog, Are My Sleep Issues Coming From My Mind or My Body? Understanding the Mind-Body Connection.

https://www.chevymermelsteinsleepcoach.org/post/are-my-sleep-issues-coming-from-my-mind-or-my-body-understanding-the-mind-body-connection

The central message is the same: the more we learn to listen to our bodies, the easier sleep becomes.

Whether you're 10 years old or 50 years old, your body is constantly giving you information.

The challenge is learning to pay attention.

Sleep is not something we force.

It's something we allow.

A Different Question

So instead of asking, "What time should my child go to bed?" try asking a different question:

"How do I know when my child is actually ready for sleep?"

It's a small shift.

But sometimes the smallest shifts create the biggest changes.

My daughter thought nine o'clock was reasonable. I wasn't sure. So we experimented.

And that willingness to listen created one of the easiest bedtimes we've had all summer.

Earlier today I was talking with Devorah Segall about kids and bedtimes, and it reminded me just how powerful these conversations can be. Children often have more insight than we give them credit for when we take the time to listen.

I'm curious:

How does bedtime change in your home once summer arrives?