Is Your Child’s Sleep Problem Really Yours? (And It’s Not What You Think!)

I was sitting in the back of an Uber the other night, returning from a wedding. It was late, construction was everywhere, and the ride felt endless. I was catching up with a friend when her phone rang.

It was her 9-year-old son.

He couldn’t sleep.

And not just that—he had already woken up all the other kids in the house.

Her husband was trying to calm him down, but nothing worked. He wanted his mom.

So there she was, sitting next to me in the Uber, whispering frantically into the phone:

“Did you try reading?”

 “Yes.” 

“Did you try lying on the couch?”

 “Yes.” “Did you try counting?”

 “Yes.”

Her voice trembled with exhaustion and frustration. Nothing worked.

“This is happening every night! What are we going to do? Tomorrow is the first day of school—how am I supposed to wake you up? Maybe you’ll have to go late…”

The tension in her voice grew with every word. And her son heard it all. Every ounce of it.

Then came the line that made me pause:

 “He’s just an anxious child. He’s never been a good sleeper since the day he was born.”

The boy, confused, asked quietly: 

“Mommy… what does anxious mean?”

And there it was. A child, hearing from his own mother that he was broken. That something was wrong with him.

💡 Here’s the truth: our kids absorb our energy about sleep more than they absorb the strategies we give them.

When parents are tense, desperate, and overwhelmed about sleep, children don’t just see it—they feel it. And then they start to believe it:

 “I really can’t sleep.”

 “There must be something wrong with me.”

 “I’m anxious. I’m broken.”

It becomes a cycle that’s hard to break.

My friend later told me something even more revealing: “I also have a hard time sleeping. I tell my son all the time. I try to give him my own ideas.”

And there it is: by sharing her struggle with sleep, she was unintentionally teaching her son that sleep is scary, unattainable, and stressful. He was learning that sleep was something to battle against rather than something natural his body could do.

Many parents don’t realize that sleep tension is contagious. Kids mirror what we feel. Our own worries, our frustration, our sleepless nights—they all transfer. Children don’t need another trick, another intervention, or another lecture—they need our calm confidence.

Think about it: how often have you tried a dozen different sleep strategies in one night, only to feel like nothing works? Your child picks up on the energy behind your words more than the words themselves. If we are anxious, tired, and desperate, they feel it.

And it’s exhausting—for both of you.

Here’s what I tell parents: sometimes your child’s sleep problem isn’t really theirs—it’s yours. Not because you did something wrong, not because your child is broken, but because kids mirror your stress, anxiety, and sometimes even your hopelessness about bedtime.

Pause Instead of Problem-Solving

Instead of spiraling into problem-solving at bedtime, pause for a moment and take a deep breath. You don’t need to fix everything right now—sometimes saying nothing, just being calm, is more powerful than any tip, trick, or strategy. It’s also okay for your child to simply rest, even if they aren’t asleep. Gently remind them that they don’t need to sleep to benefit from bedtime: lying quietly with their eyes open or closed is perfectly fine. Their body knows what it needs, it’s strong, and sleep is natural—it will come. Sit with your child, lower your voice, and quietly reassure them that it’s okay.

Reassure, Don’t Lecture

Reassuring your child works wonders for anxious kids. Simple phrases like, “I’m right here, you’re safe,” or, “It feels hard right now, but you can do this,” repeated consistently, help them feel secure. Instead of pointing out what’s going wrong, your calm presence communicates that bedtime is safe and manageable, even when things feel difficult.

Your Calm Becomes Their Calm

Children notice everything—the tone of your voice, the tension in your shoulders, every sigh and glance. When you regulate your own emotions, your calm becomes theirs. Sitting with them, taking a slow breath together, or simply being present can shift the energy in the room from frantic to calm. Sometimes your child doesn’t need another sleep strategy—they just need to feel your confidence and calm, which sets the stage for them to relax and fall asleep.

Why This Matters

I see this pattern over and over with parents: they try everything—charts, routines, melatonin, night lights—but the underlying tension is never addressed.

• The child feels like something is wrong with them.

• The parent feels like a failure.

• Sleep becomes a battle of wills.

  
  

But when parents pause, breathe, and approach bedtime with calm reassurance, sleep challenges can shift almost overnight.

Because sleep is not just about strategies—it’s about emotional energy in the room.

You Set the Tone

Your kids know exactly how you feel by just looking at you. Nothing escapes them. Your calm, confident energy is more powerful than any tip, trick, or bedtime chart.

If you ever feel like you are struggling with yourself or your anxious child, please reach out for a complimentary call. Sometimes just talking through the challenges can help more than anything else. Book your spot here: https://calendly.com/chevymermelstein/30min

And if you want to dive deeper, check out the first post in my Back-to-School Sleep Series here: https://www.chevymermelsteinsleepcoach.org/post/back-to-school-bedtime-reset-your-kids-routine

This is just the beginning of a calmer, more confident bedtime for both you and your child.