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Not Just Sleep: What Do You Really Want?
- chevy mermelstein
- 3 hours ago
- 5 min read
This past weekend, I visited my elderly aunt, who has Parkinson’s. She’s managing fairly well, but she does need help a few times a day. As we sat together, Pesach came up. One of her sons had invited her, but she didn’t want to go to him — she’d already visited this winter.
I asked a simple question: “Well, where are you going?”
She answered honestly: “I don’t want to go to that son.”
So I asked another question: “Well… what do you want?”
Notice what’s important here: she didn’t have an answer. She knew what she didn’t want, but she hadn’t yet considered what she truly wanted — what would make her feel fulfilled, comfortable, or joyful. She was moving through life from step to step, moment to moment, without a deeper connection to her own desires. And honestly, can you blame her? Life gets busy, and sometimes just figuring out dinner feels like a big decision.
And this is exactly what we see in sleep coaching.
Many people who struggle with insomnia tell me, “I just want to sleep.”
But sleep itself is rarely the root problem.
Sleep is often a symptom of stress, anxiety, life pressures, or emotional overwhelm.
And when I ask, “What do you really want? What will better sleep give you?”
The answer is often blank — they don’t know yet. And that blank stare? Totally normal.
Insomnia Is Often the Outcome, Not the Cause
Insomnia isn’t usually about the mattress, the noise, or even that late-afternoon coffee you swore would be fine. It’s about what’s happening in life, in the mind, and in the body.
Stress, worries, unresolved challenges, and life transitions can all mess with sleep. And because sleep is affected, it becomes the problem we focus on — the tossing and turning, the racing thoughts, the exhaustion the next day.
Think about it: we often treat insomnia like it’s the enemy we need to defeat. We try routines, gadgets, teas, apps, white-noise machines, or even counting sheep like we’re in some medieval sleep academy. But the real “enemy” isn’t the lack of sleep itself — it’s what’s going on behind it. The late-night thoughts about work, family responsibilities, health worries, or life milestones are what really keep us awake.
When we look at sleep this way, insomnia becomes a messenger, not a villain. It’s a sign that something deeper is unresolved — that your life, your mind, or your body is signaling it needs attention. Sometimes the racing thoughts aren’t about sleep at all; they’re about what’s missing in your days, what you’re avoiding, or what you haven’t yet figured out about yourself.
And here’s the kicker: when we start paying attention to those signals instead of just chasing sleep, real change begins. Sleep suddenly becomes a tool to understand what your life is trying to tell you. The late-night tossing isn’t just frustrating — it’s a nudge, an invitation to explore, reflect, and uncover what matters most.
Moving Beyond Surface-Level Goals
Take one of my clients, a young woman who has struggled with insomnia for the past two years.
When I ask what she wants, her first answer is familiar: “I want to get married.”
That seems like a clear goal, right?
But when we dig deeper, the conversation changes. I ask,
“What will marriage give you?
How will it change your life?”
She pauses. She doesn’t have an answer yet.
She knows that marriage is the next step in life, but she hasn’t yet considered what she truly wants from it.
Is it emotional connection? Partnership? Security? Joy? Freedom to grow? At this stage, she doesn’t fully know.
And that’s perfectly okay.
The hardest part — both in life and in sleep — is admitting that we don’t know yet. Recognizing that uncertainty is where real growth begins. And honestly, it’s kind of freeing when you realize that “I have no idea yet” is actually a good place to start.
Sleep as a Gateway to What You Truly Want
This is where sleep coaching comes in. When we ask clients what successful sleep will give them, the answers often go far beyond the bed. Some examples include:
Trusting the process — believing that their body knows how to sleep and that they don’t need to control every thought at night.
Feeling safe and calm — finally being at ease in their own skin, with less anxiety.
Being present for family — enjoying moments without mental fog or distraction.
Prioritizing health — having energy and clarity to take care of themselves physically and emotionally.
Letting go of mental clutter — quieting racing thoughts and obsessive worry.
Reclaiming confidence — feeling capable of managing life’s challenges rather than being overwhelmed.
Better sleep becomes not just about rest, but about life improvements. It’s no longer a chore or a struggle — it’s the doorway to the life someone truly wants. Think of it like the secret VIP entrance to your best self.
Sleep gives you space to process.
When your mind finally slows down, your body can reset.
Your emotions find a little more balance.
And in that space, you start noticing patterns: the things that weigh on you, the choices you’ve been putting off, the dreams you’ve been ignoring. Sleep doesn’t just restore your energy; it restores your clarity. It lets you see the life you really want, not just the life you’re moving through on autopilot.
The more you prioritize that restorative sleep, the more you’re able to take the small steps toward that clarity. You start noticing what feels meaningful in your day.
You start recognizing the “I don’t want this” moments versus the “this is what I really want” moments.
Sleep becomes less about the clock and more about your life — a tool, a mirror, and sometimes even a coach guiding you toward what matters most.
The Universal Lesson
My aunt didn’t know what she wanted yet — she only knew where she didn’t want to go.
My client doesn’t yet know what she truly wants from marriage.
Most of us operate from “I don’t want this” — we know what we want to avoid, but we haven’t paused to ask ourselves what we actually do want.
This applies to sleep just as much as life choices.
When people come to me for help with insomnia, they often fixate on the immediate problem: “I can’t sleep.”
But the deeper question is:
“What will better sleep give me? What do I really want in my life?”
Closing Thought
Sometimes the most important part of insomnia isn’t the sleep itself — it’s figuring out what you really want.
If you’re ready to explore what you truly want and how better sleep can help, book a session with me here: https://calendly.com/chevymermelstein/follow-up-session
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