Why Is It So Hard to Be With Ourselves? (And Why Sleep Exposes It)

Let me ask you something.

When was the last time you spent 20 minutes in quiet,

no music,

no podcast,

no phone,

no background noise keeping you company?

Not meditating.

Not journaling.

Just… being.

If that question makes you slightly uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Most of us are rarely with ourselves anymore. And sleep—ironically—is the one place we can’t escape it.

We’re Surrounded by Noise (On Purpose)

Take a look at how easily we fill space:

• A shower with the radio on

• A walk with a podcast in your ears

• Cooking dinner while talking on the phone

• Folding laundry with something playing in the background

  
  

I once worked with a client who couldn’t fall asleep unless the TV was on. She didn’t even know why it was on—it was comforting, like a constant babble in her ears. But comforting for what? What were we distracting ourselves from?

And honestly? She’s not unusual.

Silence isn’t neutral for many people. It’s loaded.

Quiet Isn’t Calm—It’s Revealing

When things finally get quiet, something happens.

Thoughts rise.

Memories surface.

Unfinished conversations replay.

Worries that were pushed aside all day suddenly demand attention.

During the day, we can outrun ourselves. At night, we can’t.

This is why so many people say:

“I’m fine all day… and then bedtime hits.”

Sleep doesn’t create anxiety. It reveals what’s been held at bay. And that’s not a flaw—it’s information.

If you’ve ever wondered why some nights feel heavier than others, it often relates to how much our nervous system has been holding in check. For more on how our minds process big life events in waves, check out my previous blog: Part 2: Why It Can Take Two Weeks or More to Process Big Life Events.

Why Being With Yourself Feels So Uncomfortable

For many people, being alone with their thoughts brings up:

• Pressure to fix something

• Self-judgment

• Regret or self-criticism

• A vague sense of “I should be doing more”

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We live in a culture that rewards productivity, noise, and distraction. Stillness can feel unproductive—or even unsafe.

Especially if:

• You grew up in chaos

• Your nervous system learned to stay alert

• Quiet used to mean something bad might happen

  
  

So your system learned:

Noise = safety

Silence = danger

Of course sleep becomes hard.

Nighttime Is Where We Meet Ourselves

Sleep requires a kind of surrender that many of us were never taught.

You have to stop doing.

Stop managing.

Stop performing.

And for people who are used to being “on,” that moment—head on pillow, lights out—can feel exposed.

This is often when thoughts like these show up:

• “What if I don’t sleep?”

• “Why can’t I just shut my brain off?”

• “What’s wrong with me?”

  
  

The problem isn’t the thoughts. The problem is our relationship with them. The more we resist being with ourselves, the louder the mind gets.

Distraction Works—Until It Doesn’t

Distraction isn’t bad. It’s often protective.

Podcasts, music, background noise—these can all be soothing until they become necessary. When silence feels intolerable, sleep becomes conditional:

• “I can sleep only if…”

• “I need something playing…”

• “I can’t be alone with my mind…”

  
  

And that creates pressure. Sleep doesn’t like pressure.

What If Quiet Isn’t the Enemy?

Here’s the reframe I often offer clients:

Quiet isn’t asking you to fix anything. It’s asking you to listen.

Not to judge. Not to analyze. Just to notice.

That’s a very different skill than forcing calm. And it explains why people struggle when they try to “do sleep right.”

You can’t outthink sleep. You can’t discipline your nervous system into rest. And you can’t distract yourself forever. Eventually, sleep asks:

“Can you be with yourself—just as you are?”

The Question Most People Avoid

So let me ask it again—gently:

When was the last time you sat in silence  for 20 minutes?

No goal.

No improvement plan.

No pressure to relax.

Just you.

If your first instinct is discomfort, restlessness, or “I don’t have time for that”—that’s not failure. That’s awareness. And awareness is where real change begins.

Sleep Isn’t the Problem—It’s the Mirror

If sleep feels elusive, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It often means your nervous system hasn’t had space to feel safe in stillness. Nighttime simply removes the distractions.

And that’s why the work isn’t always about better habits—it’s about a kinder relationship with yourself. Sleep comes more easily when you’re no longer running from your own inner world.

A Gentle Closing Thought

You don’t need to force quiet.

You don’t need to like it.

And you definitely don’t need to “master” it.

But slowly learning to tolerate being with yourself—without distraction, without judgment—creates something powerful:

Safety.

And sleep responds beautifully to safety.

If you find yourself struggling with being alone with your thoughts—or find your sleep is consistently interrupted—I invite you to explore this gently with me in a free 30-minute session: Book a 30-Minute Session.